My Boyfriend has a lot of problems. I am worried about our relationship and I am not sure where it is going. We do love each other though and always make up. What should I do?
The purpose of dating anyone is to find a worthy spouse, not to rehabilitate a troubled guy. Any dating relationship must bring you both closer to God not further away. Marriage just like any other vocation in life must help to bring you and your spouse to Eternal Life – Heaven.
So, it sounds like you are too emotionally and physically involved in this relationship to make any big decisions so you should step back from this relationship. Take a 1-3months break to evaluate your relationship and come back to talk about it and see if any changes have been made or can be implemented. If not, then the best thing to do is leave the relationship. If that relationship is what’s best for you, if it is God’s will for your life, God can redeem it in His perfect timing.
Many young women with good hearts want to play the role of a therapist for a guy who has a rough life, but they end up wounded, and the guy is not much better off. A girl might stay in a relationship because she does not want to hurt the guy by leaving. Also, scientists have discovered that feelings of romantic love tend to deactivate certain parts of the brain that make moral judgements (mesial prefrontal cortex, the parietotemporal junction, and the temporal poles). In other words, when you’re in love with a guy and not practising chastity, your brain is handicaped when it comes to judging the value and morality of a relationship. That’s one reason why it’s important to date only guys who have strong values.
Until he can deal with his problems in a way that is not destructive to him or to others, he is not ready to be in an intimate relationship. Friendship? Maybe. Dating relationship. Definitely not now.
It is not your job to save this guy from his problems. Let him know that you are praying for him but you need space for yourself and stability in your life. This is not selfishness. It shows a healthy respect for yourself, and that is the foundation for any good solid future relationship. If he tries to lay a guilt trip on you or intimidate you, it is more reason that you need to back away. If he hurts you, then the sooner this ends the better. In the meantime, do not use physical pleasure to cover up the pain of the relationship.
As difficult as it may seem to walk away from the relationship, it will only get more difficult later to patch up the hurt that has been caused by staying in the relationship.
Remember you are worth more, and he needs time to mature. If you do not understand your value in God’s eyes, then it is easy to seek your worth in relationships, even in unhealthy ones. Right now, while he is still single, the most loving thing you can do is to show him that he cannot deal with his hurt by hurting others. He needs to know that his behaviour is unacceptable. Therefore, do not spend time trying to change your boyfriend. Instead imagine what it would be like to be cherished by a man who would protect your purity and make you feel safe and secure. Such men DO exist!
